A MUCH BETTER BLOG

The other day I was working on Flickr tagging a picture of Brielle catching her very first fish. I hit the save button and got a funky error message. I hit the back button and tried again. A different weird error. I was sent to a login screen where it told me to set up a user name. I tried to access my user name, photostream and main account. My heart rate picked up and panic set in as I quickly realized that my account had vaporized……along with over 11,000 pictures of my children.

Why Flickr?

I started using Flickr when Brielle was about a year and a half old. I had been using a photo gallery that my brother set up for me. I had been using the gallery since I lived in Europe and had about three and a half years worth of pictures stored there.

I decided to transfer to Flickr because other members of my family were visiting the gallery to make fun of pictures of me and Brielle (true story). I know it sounds ridiculous and if it happened today I wouldn’t give a crap, but at the time I was still coming to terms with being thrown into poverty, moving a bunch of times, birth trauma, leaving all my friends behind and, oh yeah, that little ‘escaping with my life’ thing.

Being kicked while I was down was too much to bear. So I set up a Flickr account and only made the pics available to those would be happy to see them. Feeling like nobody was lurking in cyberspace to criticize our hair or clothes, I uploaded with impunity. I loved Flickr, sang their praises, tagged like a fool and upgraded to a paid pro account.

Then a few months ago, in a move that still baffles me, my brother transferred all the galleries to a new server but inexplicably decided not to transfer mine. This decision effectively wiped out the photo albums with Brielle’s baby pictures, my wedding pictures and my beloved Europe pictures.

My brother tried to console me by reminding me that the pictures are not deleted but just stored on the old server where I have absolutely no way of seeing them. I am not entirely clear on how that is helpful. It is the equivalent of losing all your photo albums in a fire but being reminded that the negatives are in a shoebox in the basement. I still can’t see my pictures (without a tremendous amount of time, money and effort).

This only served to reinforce my feelings that something as important as family photos should not be trusted to family but rather a corporation, with large servers, backups and the inability to eradicate an account. Or so I thought.

TOS…Wait…WHAT???
So I have been gleefully using Flickr since the fall of 2006. I have my pics in random files on a few different computers but I did not back up my Flickr account. I considered Flickr to BE the backup. Once they were on Flickr, I could breathe. They were safe. I trusted them with everything. I would sit down monthly, dump everything from my phone and camera and even from other people’s cameras and then tag my favorites, tag the people in the pics and breathe a sigh of relief until next month.

Here is where I went terribly wrong. I thought of Flickr as photo storage rather than photo sharing. Is there a difference? You bet. It probably doesn’t matter for my personal pics but I used Flickr to store about 5 or so pics for my website and store. Yes 5. Five out of 11,500. You do the math. I used Flickr for those pics because I was testing the front page design. It is just easier to upload to Flickr than send them to my site when trying out a number of pics.

Here is the deal. Every time someone would go to my homepage, Flickr would have to provide the pictures for people to see. On a worldwide scale, this could cost them tons of money if people use Flickr to host images for that purpose so it is clearly and expressly against their Terms of Service (TOS) which I simply never read. It just never even occurred to me that it would be a problem. I never thought twice about it. I loved Flickr, used them every day and totally forgot that those couple of images were still hosted there.

Once my account vaporized, I frantically Googled why an account would disappear. I figured it was a glitch on their end. I found they will delete entire accounts with no warning for a TOS violation. I thought “I don’t do any of those naughty things” but finally clicked on the TOS anyway. I emailed Flickr immediately (and other than a computer generated reply, I have not heard back). I still hadn’t even thought of the pics on my homepage and could not figure out what I did wrong. I honestly thought Flickr took offense with a breastfeeding or EC photo.

As the realization sunk in, I bawled. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I laid awake all night long until about 5am and suddenly it hit me….it is those four lousy images on my home page (that gets about 900 stupid hits a month). I put them on last July and forgot they were even on Flickr. I checked the homepage in the morning and sure enough, the offending images were deleted.

I visited my blog and could still see the images of Brielle and Bianca and had read that Flickr will delete your account but the images are still accessible if you have the direct link. I breathed a sigh of relief. At least my 3.5 yrs of blogging was safe and the creme de la creme of pictures were still available.

So get this. I have my own storage on my site and store. I have nine self hosted wordpress blogs. I have a hosted ecommerce store. I can store as many pictures as I need to. I did not NEED Flickr at all but I just loved using them. I was not trying to pull one over on Flickr or get free hosting. I am not a criminal or a rule breaker (intentionally).

One email from Flickr could have saved everything. One notice. One warning. One heads up. They can’t see that I have 11,500 pictures of CHILDREN and I would probably do anything in the world to save them? I would have paid five grand to save my pics. I would have done ANYTHING. I would have stayed up for a week straight saving pics and looking for offending images.

Flickr apparently prefers the “blindside” method. They have some sort of fierce ‘zero tolerance policy’, presumably to set an example from people like me who choose to blog about it. I guess. Who the hell knows why they would not give me a chance to fix it.

Needless to say, what they did was cruel, horrible and rotten. But you know what? It is their party and they have every right to kick me out (it is not the first time I have been kicked out of a club for partying too hard) . They are my pictures but they are stored on their property. Just like you can’t store a dead body at your local storage unit, you can’t hotlink images on Flickr. Their TOS were clear as could be I am just a trusting fool who never took the time to read them. It actually makes perfect sense to me now and in all honesty I SHOULD have known better. I am not saying it serves me right, but I am saying that I don’t hold a grudge against Flickr.

Where do I go from here?
That has been the primary question on my mind. I am NOT going to go through seven years of pictures (probably 13-15,000) to create sets, tags, favorites etc. It is just NOT going to happen. I wont do one year over. I might do a month or two. Seven years? Absolutely not. Ironically, the only pictures I have access to now are the hard copy photo albums from prior to 2002.

I put such an unbelievable amount of time and effort into my online storage. All gone. Wasted time. No freaking way will I do that again.

This whole ordeal has also shaken my love for the internet monoliths to the core. Can I expect the same treatment from Google and Amazon? My livelihood? Vaporized? I can understand not trusting a relative on the west coast with a server in their garage but Google? Amazon? If my darling Flickr can turn on me this quickly….then I don’t think I can trust anyone.

I logged into my blog yesterday to see what pictures are left and I see that Flickr has deleted everything. My blog is empty. That was the final straw. I have no record of the last 7 years of my life. Gone in an instant. I feel despair, depression. I feel like giving up on everything. What next? What else will I lose that I worked so hard for?

Words have come into my head like ‘catastrophe’ ‘devastating’ ‘worst thing ever’ etc. I was hit with the enormity of what I lost and felt like the world had struck me a blow of overwhelming proportions. Then I thought, OK Sheryl….seriously….catastrophe?? I am still breathing. My children are still breathing. We are all very healthy and well. We can still smile. I have all my senses and all my limbs. I am not drowning in oil. I have clean water and food. I did not watch my child die in my arms from starvation, an earthquake, a tsunami or cancer. On a global, historic scale, my distress is absurd. Its a freaking Flickr account. How many billions of people around the world would love to have the problems that I do?

On a more personal measure, I used my standard line that I use to determine if something is “worry worthy” or not. “Will it matter in ten years?”. Actually, yes, it might. I love seeing pictures of myself as a baby and young child and I appreciate the time my parents took to put together photo albums. Now both girls are going to ask, “Why don’t you have any baby pictures of us?” I am going to have to say, “Here is the zip drive. Go for it.”

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I have been seriously considering the possibility that the universe is screaming at me to STOP TAKING PICTURES! Just stop it. Why? Because every time I am looking into a LCD screen or my phone, I am not looking my kids in the eye. If I am holding a camera, then I am not holding their hand or a ball or a frisbee. If I am tagging, then I am not coloring or tickling or talking with my kids. I am the photographer not the actor. I am observing, not living.

I have occasionally seen pictures that Brielle has taken of me when I have a camera held up in front of my face or I am staring at the laptop on my lap. I thought with horror…”holy mackerel….is this how my kids see me?!?!” But I didn’t stop.

Every time I sit on the couch with my laptop and upload and tag pictures, I am not existing in the present, I am existing in the future, when I can look at the final pictures. When I am looking at the final pictures, I am living in the past when the event actually took place. The whole process serves to take me away from what is happening in the here and now. Even if I am working while the girls are asleep, I am taking away quality time from myself by focusing on pictures I took in the past and will look at in the future. It is an exercise in insanity.

I am a huge (HUUUGE) fan of The Four Hour Work Week. Tim Ferriss is my hero (but that is another blog post). If you are not familiar with the book, the general idea is how to automate and outsource your revenue stream to free up time for stuff that gives joy and meaning to your life. I am slowly freeing up my work time but I have still been spending a ridiculous amount of time on pictures of my kids. Do you think my little girls care if I am working on my store or tagging a picture? All they see is mommy staring at her laptop instead of doing something WITH them.

I think its time to stop. Life has given me a spanking and I didn’t like one little bit, but it was a wake up call. I think someday when my girls ask where the pictures are, I can tell them that I chose to play with them rather than point a camera at them. I think hope they will understand. There is something exciting, scary and liberating about enjoying the moment and letting it disappear into forever. I am uncomfortably attached to the concept of clinging to every moment with my girls by capturing all of it on film. I need to rethink everything and just savor the precious moments while they happen and if my friends and family want to be part of it, they should visit. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to put my laptop away and go for a Sunday stroll with my girls to have a Mimosa and feed the ducks.

Image source: Since I don’t have any images anymore, I commissioned Brielle to do the artwork for this post.

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Utter joy

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Joy 2

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Bianca had a fever for 2 days but kept smiling

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Beautiful post bath smile

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Brielle loves dandelions

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Bianca would go in there to hang out with the dogs (and then just for fun)

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Brielle cosleeping with Sugar

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I love this pic of Bianca

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I am so happy that babywearing weather is here again. Bianca was passed out in the carrier.

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Brielle’s one and only day of soccer. She did great and refuses to go back.

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Do I need a house with a pool?

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Getting a ride from big brother Alex, (Zach on the bike)

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First baseball game of the year with Alex, Zach and Eric

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Bianca actually makes this face all the time

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Super happy to be hanging out with daddy

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Grandpa helping Bianca hunt for easter eggs

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What is better than having a big person to play on?

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Midnight, makeshift picnic

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Passed out with daddy

Do you ever have days where everything seems to go wrong? I had a few years like that. From the moment I left my abusive husband with a baby in my belly in a foreign country, everything seemed to go downhill. I entered the darkest period of my life and I often wondered if anything would get better. I was about a million miles from my dearest friends, penniless and pretty damn close to hopeless.

Of course Brielle was and is a wonderful addition to my life but I faced the conundrum that most mothers face whether single or not; Stay home in poverty (and be with your child) or fork over money to daycare to work for someone else and net poverty wages at the end of it all (and leave your child with strangers). I tried a job, it was a freaking nightmare with Brielle in daycare, so like many enterprising women before me, I have clawed my way out of the hole via my own business.

That said, things are finally looking good. Life is good. Life is great. It just keeps getting better.

Business is great. Cloth diapering is huge. Babywearing is huge. Attachment parenting is huge. People are talking about the benefits of natural family living and the trend does not seem to be slowing down. I published my first newsletter the other day, hired my first virtual assistant to handle inventory and order fulfillment and our first print ad appeared in Mothering Magazine’s May/June issue.

Our little family is also doing great. Brielle is about to turn 5 and she is athletic, delightful, energetic, INCREDIBLY funny, helpful, brilliant and downright gorgeous (in my eyes anyway).

Bianca is the most wonderful addition to our family. A year and a half old, she is also funny, lively, brilliant, happy, social and a joy to be around. People and animals alike can’t get enough of her.

I just got approved for the super duper premium life insurance. Why would I be happy to fork out thousands of dollars over the next 30 yrs for something that will never benefit me directly? Because it means I am not fat, I have been a non-smoker for a long time and the medical test didn’t show any pending life threatening illnesses that they could find.

To top it all off, I just booked a very long overdue trip to Florida to see those dearest friends that have been about a million miles away for the last 5 years. Life is great.

We are very pleased to offer Baltic Amber Teething Necklaces in our store. Baltic Amber is a traditional remedy for pain and teething that has been used for centuries around the world.

Sold in pharmacies in Europe, they are starting to become more mainstream elsewhere as awareness grows. They are a very natural alternative to drugs and other over the counter teething remedies that seem to have a very short effectiveness if any.

The amber works by releasing Succinic acid into the body when worn against warm skin. Succinic acid is a natural analgesic and works as long as your child is wearing the jewelry. The amber is lightweight and warm to the touch because it is a resin, not a stone. The necklace is knotted between each bead for safety and amber is naturally a safe material and is therefore CPSIA compliant automatically.

We have unique styles in both raw (unpolished) amber and polished amber that are suitable for both boys and girls. Naturally any style is suitable for boys but it is still a necklace and many parents hesitate to put jewelry on their little boy. More and more parents are letting their boys experience the benefits of amber but if you hesitate, the the charcoal style or perhaps a double loop around the ankle will make you more comfortable.

My personal experience with Baltic amber has been so positive which is why I was so excited to add them to the store. Bianca has worn one 24/7 since she was a few weeks old. Her teething was barely noticeable for the most part. She never drooled once and I think the teething necklace had a lot to do with it. I wouldn’t dream of taking it off her until all of her teeth are in.

Brielle also periodically wears her teething necklace just for fun and fashion.

The Baltic Amber Teething Necklaces are priced at $21.00 and are currently available in six unique styles. Just for today (3/29/2010), get free shipping on all teething necklaces regardless of order amount. As always, use code BLOG for 10% off your total order.

We took the girls to their first hockey game

The sun will come out

All smiles

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Snowy Sunset

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I always assumed that I would nurse Bianca until she was 2 or 3 or perhaps even older just like I did with Brielle. Bianca sort of rewrote my plans when she started popping teeth at 3 months. Her teething has been fast and furious and now, at 14 months, she has all her teeth except for her two year molars.

Early and continuous teething has been really bad for our breastfeeding relationship. I do not have the patience (or time) that I did with Brielle so if Bianca was was fussing at the boo in any way, I delatched her and set her down. In retrospect I think I probably was too quick to remove her when she was probably hungry and needed to drink. She ended up on solids early and has been happily eating all varieties of food and drinking from both a cup and a sippy cup.

Over the last few months her latch changed even more. The change was subtle but growing progressively more irritating. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I dreaded nursing her. When we would try, I would last a few seconds, holding my breath and gritting my teeth before I delatched her and took in a huge breath of relief. She would wail like her heart was breaking but seriously, it was torture. I just couldn’t take it.

If you are not a nursing mom and you want an idea of what a good and a bad latch feels like, stick your thumb in your mouth. Put it all the way in until the pad of your thumb is pressing on the roof of your mouth. Wrap your tongue under your entire thumb and pretend you are sucking honey out of your wrist. That is a good latch. Now stick your thumb in as far as your first knuckle. Wrap your teeth around both sides of your thumb and suck it back and forth quickly. That is a very, very bad latch.

Now imagine that your thumb has a zillion nerve endings and is so sensitive it can respond to a chilly room or a draft and you have an idea of how horrible a bad latch can be. With a good latch, you hardly feel a thing, with a bad one, you want to drive off a cliff.

This is how other women describe the dreaded toddler latch:

I want to cut my nipples off
I want to cut my breasts off
I grit my teeth until my jaw aches
It is like an unwanted sexual touch
Sets my teeth on edge
Like nails on a chalkboard
I am starting to dread it
I want to put my head through a brick wall

Nobody really knows for sure why a toddler’s latch will change. Some attribute it to the changing mouth size of a toddler while the breast size staying the same. Others suggest that the toddler does not fit well on a lap anymore. Others say teeth are a problem, others blame sippys and bottles. Some just think that toddlers simply develop a lazy latch because of other nutrition sources. I chalk our problems up to sippy cups more than anything. She latches on me exactly the same as a sippy cup. And it is the worst feeling you can imagine.

It hit me suddenly a few weeks ago that we had a serious problem and I was about to dry up and our nursing relationship would be lost forever. It struck me as extremely urgent and potentially tragic if I could not recover it. I want to continue breastfeeding and she desperately wants to continue to nurse. The whole development is supremely frustrating for both of us.

This is not just a daytime nursing issue. It has been affecting us around the clock. I lost my ace in the hole for sleeping. She has been waking up at all hours for the last few months, I am insanely sleep deprived. I thought it was EC related and I had been pottying her every couple hours and she was not going. Like a bolt of lightning I finally realized, she does not have to pee – she is famished.

Determined to make it work (despite the overwhelming advice to wean a 14 mo old who has trouble latching), I turned to Brielle to get my supply up. Brielle is as addicted to breastmilk as she ever was and was more than happy to oblige. She spent a few sessions a day for a few days and I seem to be back up to a high enough milk supply that I can feel it so Bianca should have plenty to drink. I also started drinking Milkmaid tea from Earth Mama Angel Baby and I noticed an increase in my supply within a few days. Most importantly, I implemented a strict no sippy rule.

It seems to be working. We went from about a 5% success rate to 60% or so. We still have plenty of times that we try, I relatch her two or three times and have to pull her off before I go bananas. Then I get screamed at which is no fun on top of the whole nursing failure. I will say however, that her latch has improved tremendously. I do not know if it is just from nursing more or using a sippy less but something is working.

I wanted to revive our breastfeeding relationship and while it appears to be resurrected, I have to wonder if I carefully considered what I wished for. I may have created a monster. Bianca is a big girl with an incredible appetite. She went from being essentially weaned to a boo addict almost overnight. She asks for it, begs for it, cries for it, lifts my shirt, feels me up and her eyes roll back in her head when her latch is good and she is getting mouthfuls of her dearest food. I may have created a monster but in the end I am incredibly grateful that the monster lives on.

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• Breastfeeding: If At First You Don’t Succeed (momblognetwork.com)
• Three Year Old Weans Himself Part 1 (attachmentparenting.org)
• The Breast Whisperer (nytimes.com)
• Mothers who breastfeed beyond babyhood (guardian.co.uk)