I had a nap today. Glorious, wonderful nap. My mom took the girls for the morning and I went back to bed until noon. I got to sleep in once on the family vacation a few weeks ago and the time before that was April (as a birthday present). I don’t recall the last time before that.
I need a break. Seriously. I really need a break. I am exhausted. The way I see it, I haven’t slept a full night’s sleep in over 4 years. It is actually longer if you consider the time that my abusive ex-husband liked to keep me awake for nights on end screaming at me but I will overlook that.
If I sleep in one morning for every month I have been sleep deprived (50 months since Brielle was born), then I will need to sleep till noon for about a month and a half to catch up and feel normal. That of course, will never happen.
Not only am I a mother, which is a full time, relentless job in itself, but I am a single mother which means I am “on” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year forever. OK, maybe not forever but it seems like it.
Not only am I a single mother but I am also a small business owner with a rule to always work when the girls sleep. If I did not have that rule then I would not have a business. It is that simple. I can’t work when they are awake so I have to work when they sleep. When the girls sleep, I don’t watch TV, I don’t relax, I don’t do yoga, I don’t clean, putter or talk to friends. I work. Period.
That means that I am chronically sleep deprived. My home is never spotless. There is always laundry to do. A shower is an absolute luxury. I simply cannot talk to friends on the phone. Either the girls are awake and noisy or they are asleep and I might wake them.
Nothing stays where I put it and once something is moved it might take me weeks to move it back. I never finish anything in one sitting. Imagine taking a month to watch a movie in 1-2 minute increments. That is my life.
My life is a pressure cooker. It is constant. Truly constant. And there is no escape. I don’t go to work and get to breathe kid free, noise free air. I don’t even get to ride in a kid free car. When the girls are (miraculously) sleeping simultaneously, it takes me an hour or more to get the chatter out of my head and calm down. I don’t get naps and if I do fall asleep nursing Bianca then my work goes unfinished and I wake up panicked. I don’t get to go grocery shopping without children. I don’t get to go clothes, mall or other shopping. Did I mention that I can’t shower?
Believe it or not, I am not bitching and I don’t want or need anyone’s sympathy. I am actually very, very happy. I love my daughters more than words can say, I enjoy every day I spend with them and I love the direction my life is going. I love working for myself and the freedom to work when and how I want, go on vacation when I please and of course I love having limitless income potential.
Although some misogynistic people seem to believe that I am “getting what I deserve” for being so uppity as to live without a man in the first place. The alternative in my case would have meant staying with a violent husband and there would have been a very real possibility that I would be dead right now instead of writing this post but I think those words fall on deaf right-wing ears.
I had a job when Brielle was younger and it was horrible and stressful and daycare was the worst and I still can’t believe I did that to my baby. I had a husband for awhile and he beat me senseless and broke my bones and I can’t believe I ever lived under the same roof as him. Given the alternative, my life is incredible right now. I couldn’t be happier. But I still need a break.
Some of my friends realize how much I do every day. I have some married friends that say that they do not know how I do it because despite getting their own breaks, they always need more.
One girlfriend of mine is a stay at home mom and also does all the nighttime parenting because after discussing it with her darling husband, they decided that 50/50 nighttime parenting might be fair in theory but the reality is that he needs to function at a job in front of other people. She has the closest scenario to me (24 hour parenting) but she still gets a break to shower and eat. She has said to me repeatedly that she doesn’t know how I do it.
Other friends who were raised by single mothers also have commented that they have a small clue of the monumental task I have in front of me and have nothing but the utmost respect for all single parents.
Some parents on the other hand, like to bitch incessantly about their own situation. They like to bitch about how they need a break. The like to bitch about how their husbands do not help enough or isn’t making enough money or isn’t doing his share or whatever. These are the same women that nap every day. They shower every day. They shop alone while hubby watches the kids. They lunch with their girlfriends. They get to drive alone. They get peace and quiet. They get a full night’s sleep. All. The. Time.
Sorry chica, we are both mothers but it is like comparing apples and apple pies. Our situations are very different. I am sure that you are very stressed and all and you probably do need a break and your husband probably is an incompetent ass who needs to pull his weight. I am sure that is all very true. Yeeeaah…..right. Somehow I don’t feel sorry for you.
Listening to you gripe is like watching some jerk in a Mercedes drive up to someone waiting in the rain at the bus stop.
Dry, cozy, clueless Mercedes jerk: “You wont believe the trouble I am having with my XM Satellite radio!”
Soaking wet bus stop person (jerking head around): “Are you talking to me? I seriously hope you are not talking to me”
Dry, cozy, clueless Mercedes jerk: “Why woudn’t I be talking to you? I have real problems here. You wont believe how hard it is to clean these soft leather seats!! Owning this car is SOOOO much work”
Soaking wet bus stop person : “Seriously?”
Dry, cozy, clueless Mercedes jerk: “I don’t feel sorry for you because it’s your own fault that you don’t have a car.”
Soaking wet bus stop person “Keep driving pal.”
There are always people who will complain. There are men who complain that their wife didn’t load the dishwasher right and there are women who complain that their husband didn’t fold the laundry right. There are women who yammer that they have to “do it all” while their husband comes home from work and then cooks, cleans, feeds and bathes the kids and then puts them to bed with a book. There are men who gripe because their wife left a layer of dust on the entertainment center.
Some women complain that their spouse gets to “enjoy” himself at work all day while she stays home and some husbands complain because the stay at home mom gets to stay home all day and presumably eat bonbons and watch soaps.
In addition, it bears mentioning that when women do this whole “I am the only one that can do it right” routine, they are perpetuating the notion that housework is women’s work and doing a bang up job of discouraging men that are perfectly willing and able to help. Thanks for the continued oppression ladies.
I mean come ON. Am I correct in understanding that you are actually complaining because the person you allegedly fell in love with and the person who is co-parent to your children is not helping you, cooperating and contributing properly? Are you freaking for real?!?!
All I can say is, don’t come crying to me. If I had my way you would get down on your knees, kiss your spouse’s feet for being gentle and kind and thank your lucky stars, mother earth, fate and destiny for giving you the cards you were dealt. Your whining is falling on deaf ears. Try crying to your man hating friends with no kids because they are the only ones that are going to feel sorry for you.
In the meantime, with no break imminent, I realize that I need to focus on my own physical and mental health by crafting breaks into the fabric of my life as I know it. I can laugh more, live in the present, do yoga with my daughters, stop thinking about work while I breastfeed (and while I sleep), breathe more and drink more tea. Life is great, the girls are fantastic and business isn’t going anywhere but up.
Oh yeah, and if you have any single parent friends or family, offer to babysit once in awhile.