A MUCH BETTER BLOG

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I always assumed that I would nurse Bianca until she was 2 or 3 or perhaps even older just like I did with Brielle. Bianca sort of rewrote my plans when she started popping teeth at 3 months. Her teething has been fast and furious and now, at 14 months, she has all her teeth except for her two year molars.

Early and continuous teething has been really bad for our breastfeeding relationship. I do not have the patience (or time) that I did with Brielle so if Bianca was was fussing at the boo in any way, I delatched her and set her down. In retrospect I think I probably was too quick to remove her when she was probably hungry and needed to drink. She ended up on solids early and has been happily eating all varieties of food and drinking from both a cup and a sippy cup.

Over the last few months her latch changed even more. The change was subtle but growing progressively more irritating. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I dreaded nursing her. When we would try, I would last a few seconds, holding my breath and gritting my teeth before I delatched her and took in a huge breath of relief. She would wail like her heart was breaking but seriously, it was torture. I just couldn’t take it.

If you are not a nursing mom and you want an idea of what a good and a bad latch feels like, stick your thumb in your mouth. Put it all the way in until the pad of your thumb is pressing on the roof of your mouth. Wrap your tongue under your entire thumb and pretend you are sucking honey out of your wrist. That is a good latch. Now stick your thumb in as far as your first knuckle. Wrap your teeth around both sides of your thumb and suck it back and forth quickly. That is a very, very bad latch.

Now imagine that your thumb has a zillion nerve endings and is so sensitive it can respond to a chilly room or a draft and you have an idea of how horrible a bad latch can be. With a good latch, you hardly feel a thing, with a bad one, you want to drive off a cliff.

This is how other women describe the dreaded toddler latch:

I want to cut my nipples off
I want to cut my breasts off
I grit my teeth until my jaw aches
It is like an unwanted sexual touch
Sets my teeth on edge
Like nails on a chalkboard
I am starting to dread it
I want to put my head through a brick wall

Nobody really knows for sure why a toddler’s latch will change. Some attribute it to the changing mouth size of a toddler while the breast size staying the same. Others suggest that the toddler does not fit well on a lap anymore. Others say teeth are a problem, others blame sippys and bottles. Some just think that toddlers simply develop a lazy latch because of other nutrition sources. I chalk our problems up to sippy cups more than anything. She latches on me exactly the same as a sippy cup. And it is the worst feeling you can imagine.

It hit me suddenly a few weeks ago that we had a serious problem and I was about to dry up and our nursing relationship would be lost forever. It struck me as extremely urgent and potentially tragic if I could not recover it. I want to continue breastfeeding and she desperately wants to continue to nurse. The whole development is supremely frustrating for both of us.

This is not just a daytime nursing issue. It has been affecting us around the clock. I lost my ace in the hole for sleeping. She has been waking up at all hours for the last few months, I am insanely sleep deprived. I thought it was EC related and I had been pottying her every couple hours and she was not going. Like a bolt of lightning I finally realized, she does not have to pee – she is famished.

Determined to make it work (despite the overwhelming advice to wean a 14 mo old who has trouble latching), I turned to Brielle to get my supply up. Brielle is as addicted to breastmilk as she ever was and was more than happy to oblige. She spent a few sessions a day for a few days and I seem to be back up to a high enough milk supply that I can feel it so Bianca should have plenty to drink. I also started drinking Milkmaid tea from Earth Mama Angel Baby and I noticed an increase in my supply within a few days. Most importantly, I implemented a strict no sippy rule.

It seems to be working. We went from about a 5% success rate to 60% or so. We still have plenty of times that we try, I relatch her two or three times and have to pull her off before I go bananas. Then I get screamed at which is no fun on top of the whole nursing failure. I will say however, that her latch has improved tremendously. I do not know if it is just from nursing more or using a sippy less but something is working.

I wanted to revive our breastfeeding relationship and while it appears to be resurrected, I have to wonder if I carefully considered what I wished for. I may have created a monster. Bianca is a big girl with an incredible appetite. She went from being essentially weaned to a boo addict almost overnight. She asks for it, begs for it, cries for it, lifts my shirt, feels me up and her eyes roll back in her head when her latch is good and she is getting mouthfuls of her dearest food. I may have created a monster but in the end I am incredibly grateful that the monster lives on.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Breastfeeding: If At First You Don’t Succeed (momblognetwork.com)
• Three Year Old Weans Himself Part 1 (attachmentparenting.org)
• The Breast Whisperer (nytimes.com)
• Mothers who breastfeed beyond babyhood (guardian.co.uk)

This is the trailer for a new documentary on formula feeding in America. The documentary which is in the process of filming and scheduled to wrap in April of 2010 explores the prevalence of formula feeding in North America and the health implications that follow.

According to the Formula Fed America Documentary website ,

“Why are we ignoring our natural biological function of breastfeeding? Why are doctors, who more often than not agree that breast milk is far superior to infant formula, so quick to prescribe it when a mother experiences difficulty breastfeeding? Why do we continue to sexualize the breast and stigmatize its actual and intended use? Why are there not more widely available human milk banks where a mother can go and receive that precious liquid gold for her baby rather than free cans of formula our mailboxes? If infant feeding is a choice, why are we not making an informed one? This documentary will provide an insightful look into our culture’s attitude towards the breastfeeding mother and its acceptance of infant formula.”

Thanks to Dou-la-la’s blog for the heads up on the trailer.

Las Vegas was fantastic. We got back two weeks ago but I have been so incredibly busy that this is the first chance I have had to post about it.

The flight out was a nightmare. Brielle has always been a great traveler and travel companion. She navigates airports with ease, can find the right gate and likes to chill out and people watch with me at airport restaurants. She used to either fall asleep during the flights or look out the window and enjoy the adventure.

For some reason she missed her nap the two days preceding this trip and so the flight was pretty much as horrible as it could have possibly been. It was also an evening flight that cut into her bedtime. Neither girl slept, there was a lot of crying and some screaming and tantrums involved. You get the idea. It took everything that my mom and I had in our arsenals just to make it in one piece.

We had trouble getting a cab at the airport because we did not travel with an infant carseat and then our hotel gave us a dumpster view with no wireless internet access. By the time we switched to a decent room with a pool view and wireless, it was 3am our time and the girls still hadn’t slept at all. It was really heinous. I had assumed they would sleep on the trip and I will never make that assumption again.

Everything was just great after that. The ABC Expo was wonderful. I found more organic, natural and unique products for the store than I can stock in a year. I met some of the suppliers that I currently work with and got to meet about a hundred other people.

My mom and the girls went to the entire Expo with me. Bianca had to nurse throughout the day and Brielle still just wasn’t herself. It took too long to get back and forth to the hotel so it was easier for everyone to stay close to mom (and the boo). My mom is very familiar with my product lines so she was a great resource to have along to help spot products and gather information.

The girls just loved it which really surprised me because I thought they would be bored. Since it was a convention for babies and kids, the show was a million square feet of toys, stuffed animals, kids furniture and samples. The vendors were super patient with the girls since most of them are parents themselves. They were delighted to have built in testers/models using their products for the other passerbys to see.

Bianca was a hit. Everyone loved her. She spent most of the show riding on my hip in a baby carrier but she also spent time testing products and making friends. I can’t even tell you how many vendors snapped her picture while she was using their products. We even had a photographer on the first plane ask permission to take her picture because she was being super cute.

Not only did Bianca make friends at the show, in the hotel and in every casino and on the street, but she just went nuts on the planes. The photographer on the first flight was just the beginning. Apparently she loves people and they dig her too. On the way back the women in the row in front of me asked to hold her because she kept peeking over the seat. Then, right before we landed she kept pulling away from me and looking back down the aisle toward the back of the plane. I could see the guy across the aisle a row behind me, making goo goo eyes at her. A few minutes later I glanced back and saw everyone from both sides of the plane all the way back to the bathroom leaning out making eyes at her and smiling these goofy baby smiles. She was literally working half the plane. Is she destined to be a celebrity or a politician? I was actually embarrassed (and I don’t embarrass easily) when I saw all those people looking at her. It was really shocking.

Needless to say the flight back was a dream come true. The girls played nicely, took turns having a nap and were just pleasant as could be. The only regret I have is not spending more time with Brielle at the pool and not having a better convention strategy mapped out in advance. I am already planning on attending next year so I will make sure to make some quality pool time with the girls every day.

I did not spend one penny on gambling. That was almost as notable for me as not partying till dawn. Sigh. I did listen to the music of the casino a little wistfully as we walked through the casino to find child friendly entertainment and I felt the old pull of the nightlife when darkness fell and attire suddenly changed around us. We could barely grab a bite to eat before the tantrums started kicking in though. Not this trip but someday, somehow I will get dressed up and go out again…. (and probably have a spin or two at the roulette table too)

Vegas (ABC Kids Expo) Slideshow or see ALL our Vegas pics here

Has it been 9 months already???? Bianca has been on the outside almost as long as she was on the inside. I can hardly believe it. Time has flown but it has been good time. We are having a blast.

She continues to be a fabulous baby who is loved by all. She engages strangers and cashiers when we are out and seems to love all people, especially babies (she goes nuts when she sees other babies and usually tries to poke them in the eye).

She continues to be an alert, ridiculously happy, low maintenance baby. While I consider myself exceptionally lucky, I also attribute her demeanor in part to the fact that she is 100% natural with no vaccines, chemicals or other trauma from pregnancy, birth or beyond. Anecdotal I know…..

Here is the rundown of where she is at physically and developmentally.

Appearance
Naturally I think she is the most gorgeous baby in the world (and naturally I thought the same thing of Brielle when she was a baby). It is hard to be objective when talking about your kin. Her hair is coming in fast, brown and curly at the ears. Her eyes are still blue as can be. She is holding steady at eight teeth but I can feel the bumps on her upper gum so more are on the way. Her smile lights up the room.

On top of being gorgeous (there goes proud mommy again), she is BIG. She can easily wear 2T clothes and can wear almost all of Brielle’s summer clothes and pajamas in a pinch. She can’t wear Brielle’s jeans because of length but I am pretty sure her thighs and butt are bigger than Brielle’s are right now. Add a diaper of any kind to that butt and it can actually be difficult to dress her.

I think Bianca weighed about 21 or 22 pounds the last time I weighed her and Brielle is weighing in at 32 pounds (at 4 yrs 4 mo). I don’t think it is a matter of if Bianca catches up but when.

Eating/ Breastfeeding

The girl has an appetite. Holy moly. She didn’t get it from me that’s for sure. Daddy seems to be the generous donor of the appetite/growth gene.

Brielle and I tend to eat like birds and Bianca eats like a ravenous carnivore. She loves food and needs meals multiple times a day which is kind of tough for me since Brielle and I are grazers. Needless to say, we have learned to adapt and grandma bought Bianca a high chair a few months ago which she is very happy to spend time in.

She eats anything and everything. She eats Mexican, Indian, Chinese, sandwiches, meat, raw vegetables, fruit, you name it. Obviously I cut most food into bite sized portions but she is very good at taking bites of sandwich type foods and chewing them very well. She is great in restaurants and gets right down to business.

She is fairly proficient with a spoon and fork. She knows to spear food with the fork and holds it fairly well and can usually get the food to her mouth. The spoon is a messier proposition because it usually involves a liquidy type food like yogurt but she gets a fair amount of food in her mouth. I am impressed. She can also drink from a regular glass with help. I am hoping to skip sippy cups altogether.

She is breastfeeds a lot at night but rarely during the day. She has a tendency to attack me (when nursing) while she is awake by pinching my upper arm, digging her thumbnail into me or any other way of clawing, hitting etc. I have a lot less patience for diddling and picking than I did with Brielle so I pretty much stop it immediately. 99% of the time she is trying to tell me something like she needs to go to the bathroom or has to burp and I figure that out later but I am not willing to be a pin cushion in the meantime. That means that she gets probably 75% of her breastmilk at night.

Talking/signing
Bianca has been making noises that sound an awful lot like words for a few months now. She does it most frequently with her brother’s names and the dog’s names. It happens a little bit too frequently to be written off to coincidence but I would not call it talking quite yet. Pre-talking maybe. The other day I swear on my life that she said “chicken” after I asked her if she wanted chicken. She would not repeat it for anything but I about fell over when she said it.

The words that she is saying consistently and on purpose are “mom” “da-da” “uh-oh” and my personal favorite “ow” which she uses when she is meowing back at one of the cats or addressing the cats (she calls them “ow”. She is also starting to sign a little bit. She signed “more” a couple of times and I almost cried tears of happiness.

Walking
No, she is not walking quite yet but she is standing up unsupported for longer periods of time and cruising the furniture. I have seen her stand up unsupported once and squat down unsupported once. Walking is imminent.

Babywearing
We do it EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. We simply cannot live without our slings.

EC/Diapers

The nighttime EC is not going as well as it was in the past. When she has to go she will stir, wake me up but not quite wake up herself. If I try to potty her she gets pissed (so to speak). In short, she has to go too badly to sleep, but is sleeping too soundly to go.

I either have to wake her up enough to go (which I think is really rude), let her lay there and fuss until she finally goes in a diaper (which I also think is really disrepectful) or try to cajole it out of her by nursing her while she is on a lap potty. Frankly, nothing is really effective so I am just biding time knowing that the times she can hold it through the night (which are few and far between at the moment) are growing more frequent.

On a much more positive note, the daytime EC took a tremendous turn for the better. I was having a lot of difficulty keeping her on the Baby Bjorn little potty after she started crawling. She just would not stay on it. She would crawl away and then do her business in her diaper or training pants. I was still catching the majority of poos but the percentage was going down (fast).

Then one glorious day I put her directly on the toilet with a seat insert and she stayed put! I am assuming she stays there because she cannot launch herself off the toilet and crawl away. I didn’t even bother ECing Brielle on the toilet at that age because she was so content to sit on the little potty and read or play with toys that I never saw the need to rush the toilet.

Now Bianca is doing a fair percentage of her business directly on the toilet which is so much more than I ever expected at this age. I still have to pay attention for the signs but I sense that she is getting close to communicating her need to ‘go’ either verbally or through sign language. I predict that she will be close to 100% trained by 12 months. Could be wishful thinking but time will tell.

As far as diapering goes, I still use prefolds and covers for outings although I am experimenting more with pocket diapers (Fuzzibunz) since I sell them in my store and I like to have personal experience with my products. They work great and they are a lot fuzzier on her bum.

I also relented and used sposies on a recent vacation to avoid doing frequent laundry and to also avoid having pee scented laundry smelling up the place. While the break from laundry was nice, I hated the sposies. I am totally hooked on cloth. I hated the feel on Bianca, I hated trying to pull them over her generous thighs and butt, I hated the crinkly noise they made and I just hated them. I pretty much stopped doing EC for the vacation because it was such a pain to take them down and back up again. I was very happy to get home and get natural fibers back on my baby again.

Motor skills
I don’t know where her skills are supposed to be at this age but she amazes me with her appropriate use of tools. She knows to point the remote at the TV and press the buttons, to hold the broom handle with both hands and push it along the floor and which end of the pen goes to the paper. Maybe I am just a proud mama….or maybe that is super cool for an 8 mo old to do.

She can also open the dog kennel and release the hounds.

Cosleeping

I still love sleeping with Bianca. Sometimes I look at her while she sleeps and I am just overwhelmed with emotion. I love holding her fat little body and snuggling her all night.

I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that despite the fact that she sleeps with me every single night, she sometimes starts out the night in a carseat until she wakes to nurse. I feel guilty while doing it but….well… it works and sometimes we just have just gotta do what works, AP or not.

I expect the cosleeping relationship to carry on as long as she is night nursing but I also suspect she wont stay in bed with me quite as long as Brielle did since she will graduate to sharing a room with her big sister and she gets pretty excited to spend time with Brielle anywhere, anytime.

The first 9 months have been great and I can’t wait to see what the next 9 will bring.

Yes of course I was going to blog about this. How could I not? Apparently our friends over in Spain have developed a breastfeeding doll that makes sucking noises when held up to a halter top with little flowers that represent nipples. The proximity to the flowers and the proper breastfeeding position activate a breastfeeding response in the doll.

Naturally this is creeping out people on our side of the pond for a number of reasons (none of which I understand). All I know is that anything that encourages the daughters of today (mothers of tomorrow) to hold a hungry baby to their chest rather than inserting a piece of silicone or latex in the baby’s mouth is a good thing. (more…)

World Breastfeeding Week is August 1-7, 2009. The theme for this year’s World Breastfeeding Week is breastfeeding as an integral component of emergency preparedness.

Who can forget the video footage of the mother holding her limp infant begging for help after hurricane Katrina or the female police offer who breastfed numerous children after the Chinese earthquake? Other mothers have kept their children alive for days after being stranded in the snow with breastfeeding alone. (more…)

One of the hazards of breastfeeding past infancy is that not only will your child remember your boobs, but they will fall head over heels in love with them.

I bought Brielle a stack of index cards today and she proudly announced “I am going to draw BOOBS!!” and proceeded to draw the objects of her affection and leave them all over the house in a silent tribute to my meal makers.

She was also stuck by the eerie resemblance to eyes after drawing and admiring her mammary artwork. Later in the day she followed up with pictures of her nipples, Bianca’s nipples (both were just little dots on the index cards), grandpa’s furry boo and other booby depictions. Thank goodness I plan on homeschooling. Not sure how that would go over at the local pre-K.

I had a nap today. Glorious, wonderful nap. My mom took the girls for the morning and I went back to bed until noon. I got to sleep in once on the family vacation a few weeks ago and the time before that was April (as a birthday present). I don’t recall the last time before that.

I need a break. Seriously. I really need a break. I am exhausted. The way I see it, I haven’t slept a full night’s sleep in over 4 years. It is actually longer if you consider the time that my abusive ex-husband liked to keep me awake for nights on end screaming at me but I will overlook that.

If I sleep in one morning for every month I have been sleep deprived (50 months since Brielle was born), then I will need to sleep till noon for about a month and a half to catch up and feel normal. That of course, will never happen.

Not only am I a mother, which is a full time, relentless job in itself, but I am a single mother which means I am “on” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year forever. OK, maybe not forever but it seems like it.

Not only am I a single mother but I am also a small business owner with a rule to always work when the girls sleep. If I did not have that rule then I would not have a business. It is that simple. I can’t work when they are awake so I have to work when they sleep. When the girls sleep, I don’t watch TV, I don’t relax, I don’t do yoga, I don’t clean, putter or talk to friends. I work. Period.

That means that I am chronically sleep deprived. My home is never spotless. There is always laundry to do. A shower is an absolute luxury. I simply cannot talk to friends on the phone. Either the girls are awake and noisy or they are asleep and I might wake them.

Nothing stays where I put it and once something is moved it might take me weeks to move it back. I never finish anything in one sitting. Imagine taking a month to watch a movie in 1-2 minute increments. That is my life.

My life is a pressure cooker. It is constant. Truly constant. And there is no escape. I don’t go to work and get to breathe kid free, noise free air. I don’t even get to ride in a kid free car. When the girls are (miraculously) sleeping simultaneously, it takes me an hour or more to get the chatter out of my head and calm down. I don’t get naps and if I do fall asleep nursing Bianca then my work goes unfinished and I wake up panicked. I don’t get to go grocery shopping without children. I don’t get to go clothes, mall or other shopping. Did I mention that I can’t shower?

Believe it or not, I am not bitching and I don’t want or need anyone’s sympathy. I am actually very, very happy. I love my daughters more than words can say, I enjoy every day I spend with them and I love the direction my life is going. I love working for myself and the freedom to work when and how I want, go on vacation when I please and of course I love having limitless income potential.

Although some misogynistic people seem to believe that I am “getting what I deserve” for being so uppity as to live without a man in the first place. The alternative in my case would have meant staying with a violent husband and there would have been a very real possibility that I would be dead right now instead of writing this post but I think those words fall on deaf right-wing ears.

I had a job when Brielle was younger and it was horrible and stressful and daycare was the worst and I still can’t believe I did that to my baby. I had a husband for awhile and he beat me senseless and broke my bones and I can’t believe I ever lived under the same roof as him. Given the alternative, my life is incredible right now. I couldn’t be happier. But I still need a break.

Some of my friends realize how much I do every day. I have some married friends that say that they do not know how I do it because despite getting their own breaks, they always need more.

One girlfriend of mine is a stay at home mom and also does all the nighttime parenting because after discussing it with her darling husband, they decided that 50/50 nighttime parenting might be fair in theory but the reality is that he needs to function at a job in front of other people. She has the closest scenario to me (24 hour parenting) but she still gets a break to shower and eat. She has said to me repeatedly that she doesn’t know how I do it.

Other friends who were raised by single mothers also have commented that they have a small clue of the monumental task I have in front of me and have nothing but the utmost respect for all single parents.

Some parents on the other hand, like to bitch incessantly about their own situation. They like to bitch about how they need a break. The like to bitch about how their husbands do not help enough or isn’t making enough money or isn’t doing his share or whatever. These are the same women that nap every day. They shower every day. They shop alone while hubby watches the kids. They lunch with their girlfriends. They get to drive alone. They get peace and quiet. They get a full night’s sleep. All. The. Time.

Sorry chica, we are both mothers but it is like comparing apples and apple pies. Our situations are very different. I am sure that you are very stressed and all and you probably do need a break and your husband probably is an incompetent ass who needs to pull his weight. I am sure that is all very true. Yeeeaah…..right. Somehow I don’t feel sorry for you.

Listening to you gripe is like watching some jerk in a Mercedes drive up to someone waiting in the rain at the bus stop.

Dry, cozy, clueless Mercedes jerk: “You wont believe the trouble I am having with my XM Satellite radio!”

Soaking wet bus stop person (jerking head around): “Are you talking to me? I seriously hope you are not talking to me”

Dry, cozy, clueless Mercedes jerk: “Why woudn’t I be talking to you? I have real problems here. You wont believe how hard it is to clean these soft leather seats!! Owning this car is SOOOO much work”

Soaking wet bus stop person : “Seriously?”

Dry, cozy, clueless Mercedes jerk: “I don’t feel sorry for you because it’s your own fault that you don’t have a car.”

Soaking wet bus stop person “Keep driving pal.”

There are always people who will complain. There are men who complain that their wife didn’t load the dishwasher right and there are women who complain that their husband didn’t fold the laundry right. There are women who yammer that they have to “do it all” while their husband comes home from work and then cooks, cleans, feeds and bathes the kids and then puts them to bed with a book. There are men who gripe because their wife left a layer of dust on the entertainment center.

Some women complain that their spouse gets to “enjoy” himself at work all day while she stays home and some husbands complain because the stay at home mom gets to stay home all day and presumably eat bonbons and watch soaps.

In addition, it bears mentioning that when women do this whole “I am the only one that can do it right” routine, they are perpetuating the notion that housework is women’s work and doing a bang up job of discouraging men that are perfectly willing and able to help. Thanks for the continued oppression ladies.

I mean come ON. Am I correct in understanding that you are actually complaining because the person you allegedly fell in love with and the person who is co-parent to your children is not helping you, cooperating and contributing properly? Are you freaking for real?!?!

All I can say is, don’t come crying to me. If I had my way you would get down on your knees, kiss your spouse’s feet for being gentle and kind and thank your lucky stars, mother earth, fate and destiny for giving you the cards you were dealt. Your whining is falling on deaf ears. Try crying to your man hating friends with no kids because they are the only ones that are going to feel sorry for you.

In the meantime, with no break imminent, I realize that I need to focus on my own physical and mental health by crafting breaks into the fabric of my life as I know it. I can laugh more, live in the present, do yoga with my daughters, stop thinking about work while I breastfeed (and while I sleep), breathe more and drink more tea. Life is great, the girls are fantastic and business isn’t going anywhere but up.

Oh yeah, and if you have any single parent friends or family, offer to babysit once in awhile.

I recently posted about the drinking and breastfeeding controversy after watching some nonsense at Fox News about the subject. The issue was brought to light after Stacey Anvarinia, a North Dakota mom, pled guilty to felony child neglect after breastfeeding her child while under the influence.

My original post was more about whether or not it is safe to drink while breastfeeding, how much to drink and if alleged experts (like the one featured on the Fox News segment) are undermining breastfeeding in general with blanket statements that women should wait 24 hours before breastfeeding after having even one drink.

Then I discovered from Cate’s post and a post on MDC that suggested there was a lot more to the original story that I first realized. This is what the story missed the first time around:

• Stacy’s boyfriend beat her up, took off and wasn’t around when the police got there so he was not arrested.
• Stacy decided to feed her hungry six week old baby in front of the police officers while they were investigating the domestic violence call.
• Stacy was arrested for felony child neglect without a BAC check or a breastmilk alcohol test.

To recap, this woman was beat up and then arrested for feeding her baby in front of the officers. Here are some questions I have for the proud officers in North Dakota.

1. Where is the boyfriend? Why wasn’t he arrested, interrogated and charged? According to the AP story on the subject,

“A police report said she had swelling on her nose and chin and a small scratch on her left cheek.”

I know from my own experience as a domestic violence survivor that for every time the police were called, there were fifty times they weren’t called. I also know that scratches and swelling on my face were just the tip of the iceberg of injuries. I also know that violent men are often more violent when their partners are most vulnerable.

This man beat the crap out of this poor postpartum mother who was most likely weak, vulnerable, tired and scared to death while trying to protect herself and her infant, then he took off before the cops got there so she had to deal with them alone.

2. What crime did she commit? I am still totally unclear on this. Drinking and breastfeeding is not a crime. I didn’t read any evidence that she was stumbling drunk and too inebriated to care for her baby. Police did not test her or her breastmilk for alcohol and even if they did, what is the legal limit for alcohol in breastmilk? There is no limit since it is not a crime.

If having alcohol in breastmilk is a crime, then what about parents who give their child Benadryl to make them sleep? Or what about mothers who take SSRIs while pregnant or nursing as Katie on Babble pointed out? Are we going to start arresting all pregnant woman who have a drink? She was arrested for child neglect but then every parent who has a drink should be arrested, not just the breastfeeding ones.

Of course it begs the question that even if drinking and breastfeeding were a crime, then shouldn’t they determine her blood alcohol level in the same way they would if she was operating a motor vehicle? She could have had head injuries from the beating. She could have been sleep deprived from days of abuse. She could have been hysterical and panicked. She had just been beaten up. Apparently the police did not consider this and used their intuition and “expertise” to determine that she was drunk and neglecting her child.

The most shocking statement of all came from the police themselves on why they decided she was inebriated in the first place:

“”It is quite unusual for a mother to be breast-feeding her child as we are conducting an investigation, whether she was intoxicated or not.”

So her crime was nursing her hungry baby and apparently being drunk while she was doing it because only a drunk would breastfeed in front of the police? They did not suspect she was drunk for urinating in public, public nudity or swerving all over the highway and then throwing up….no. They suspected she was drunk because she had the audacity to -gasp- feed her hungry baby in front of them.

Would this have happened had she been formula feeding? Would they have found it weird that she fed her baby from a bottle and then arrested her for child neglect? Of course not.

Don’t police run a battery of blood alcohol and sobriety tests when someone is suspected of DUI? They do that to prove the DUI before the arrest, because people are innocent until proven guilty and because they will never get a case to hold up in court without evidence. Does breastfeeding change all that? Do the rules change for breastfeeding mothers?

I am horrified by this story because this could have easily happened to me. My ex husband used to keep me up for days. The sleep deprivation was worse than the physical violence. If someone came to see me after a beating, I would have been a total basket case. I managed to escape when I was only a two months pregnant but if I had stayed with him I cannot imagine what life would have been like postpartum. To think that the cops could have been called after he kicked the crap out of me and then arrested me because I chose to feed my child while they were talking to me? It makes me sick.

Maybe she was drunk. I don’t know. I haven’t read any evidence to suggest that she was but who knows. I wasn’t there. If she was stumbling drunk then clearly she shouldn’t be caring for a baby. The issue should be about drunk parenting then. Breastfeeding should have absolutely nothing to do with it.